


Looking Back

by rollie_ravioli



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxious Katsuki Yuuri, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Depressed Katsuki Yuuri, Depression, Dialogue Light, Loneliness, M/M, Minor Original Character(s), Social Anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:35:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27789112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rollie_ravioli/pseuds/rollie_ravioli
Summary: As Yuuri lays in bed with Victor, he thinks back on all his struggles with anxiety and on how he got to where he is now.
Relationships: Katsuki Yuuri/Victor Nikiforov
Comments: 1
Kudos: 27





	Looking Back

**Author's Note:**

> I sat down to write a YOI fic, and what came out was about 3000 words of me projecting all of my own issues with social anxiety, loneliness and depression on to Yuuri. Hope y'all like it!

Yuuri always had trouble making friends. It was partly because of him spending all his free time at the ice rink, but there was also this issue of his anxiety. Whenever he thought of talking to some of the other kids at school that he didn’t know very well, his blood pressure shot up instantly. He really only felt comfortable talking to Yuuko and, once he had stopped teasing Yuuri all the time, Takeshi. If he tried talking to someone he didn’t really know that well, it always came out a little incoherent. He could practically hear them thinking about how weird and awkward he is, so he would generally just try to avoid it. He never really went out to parties in high school, no one talked to him enough to invite him to any. Not that Yuuri cared all that much, he was sure that if he had gone out, he would have just been a wallflower, not actually having any fun.

So, Yuuri Katsuki just kind of floated through his teenage years, just focusing on his skating, and spending all his time with either his family or with Yuuko and Takeshi. Yuuri didn’t hate it. He actually liked it quite a bit, but he always felt like he was missing out on his teenage years. And on the odd times when his friends or his family weren’t around, he would be consumed with unavoidable feeling of loneliness. Once Yuuko and Takeshi had started dating it only got worse, with them spending much more of their free time together, and Yuuri left them to it because he didn’t want to just be some third wheel. He didn’t resent them for it, he was actually very happy for them, he just couldn’t help but feel like everyone else he knew was getting into loving relationships, and he was still eating his lunches at school alone. It certainly didn’t help that he was hopelessly in love with Victor Nikiforov, a man who Yuuri had never met, and, if all his anxious thoughts are correct, will never meet and if they did, probably wouldn’t even like Yuuri.

But Yuuri pushed through the loneliness throughout all his years in high school, graduating, and moved to Detroit to study under one of the best skating coaches in the world, Celestino Cialdini. Celestino was a very good coach, he helped Yuuri improve his skating greatly, and that got him to skating competitions that he had never been to before. The only problem for Yuuri though, was that he seemed to insist on ‘getting Yuuri out of his shell.’ Yuuri knew, of course, that getting more self-confidence would help him in life and in skating. Getting rid of his ‘glass heart,’ as the media had started calling it, was the best way for Yuuri to move up in the ranks and finally get to a level where he could face off against Victor. The thing was, though, that Yuuri really didn’t want to do it. Whenever he thought of ‘putting himself out there,’ he could feel his heart rate rising. ‘Putting himself out there,” was a very big weakness for him, if high school had taught him anything. Because he has no idea how to ‘put himself out there,’ he currently only has one friend in Detroit, Phichit.

Phichit was a great friend for Yuuri. Like everyone else in his life, Phichit hated the way Yuuri saw himself, and constantly tried to lift his spirits through constant compliments on his skating routine, always being there for him when his anxiety was really acting up, and just generally being around for Yuuri to hang out with so he didn’t feel so lonely all the time. Celestino was especially grateful to the Thai skater, as his efforts in helping Yuuri’s self-esteem were much more effective than his.

Phichit was very extraverted ,and he had a very large group of friends in Detroit of which Yuuri was very envious of. If only he could be as outgoing and likeable as Phichit, and he would have a ton of friends and would never feel lonely again, Yuuri would often tell himself. So, whenever Phichit would go out to a college party, Yuuri would make a habit of tagging along. The first few parties Yuuri went to usually began with him leeching himself to Phichit’s side, as he was very nervous about talking to people he didn’t really know already. But eventually, once he was in his second year of college and had a lot more experience partying, he started to actually socialize a bit more. The alcohol helped, of course. It was like a magical elixir that took away all his insecurities. Now he had a small circle of people he could maybe call friends. He would even invite them out to watch him skate from time to time.

Around this time was also when he met Jason. One night, he had gone to a party with Phichit, who had disappeared off with some other people. Yuuri was sipping at a beer while hanging out by himself, nervous about being there alone. Soon enough, Jason walked into his life with a simple, “HI, I’m Jason.”

“I’m Yuuri.” The skater responded. Jason was tall, built like a football player, and had a jawline so sharp you could grate cheese off it. Yuuri gulped as he took in the attractive physique.

“Quite the party, huh?” Jason asked as he leaned against the wall with Yuuri.

“Yeah, it’s pretty good.” Yuuri squeaked out. Yuuri had so many thoughts flying through his head at the time, wondering why this man was talking to him as well as battling off all the dirty thoughts he was having about said man.

As Yuuri got stuck in his head, the two sat in silence for what felt like hours to Yuuri, as he tried to come up with something to say. Luckily, Jason beat him to the punch, “So what do you study?”

“Business.” He replied. “What about you?”

“Sports management. My dream is to be general manager for a national sports team one day.” He said.

“Cool.” Yuuri replied. He had never been good at small talk.

Another moment of silence later and Jason asked “so, do you do any sports?”

“Yeah, I figure skate.” Yuuri replied meekly.

“Oh, so that’s why you’ve got such a nice bod then!” he said enthusiastically. Yuuri’s cheeks reddened in an instant, and a small smile grew on his face.

“Uh, thanks.” He let out quietly.

“So, you wanna get out of here?” Jason asked, as he inched closer to Yuuri and leaned over him.

“Uh, where?” Yuuri asked, avoiding the tall man’s eye contact.

“I thought we could talk some more in my apartment.”

“Oh.” Yuuri let out. He scanned the room until he locked eyes with Phichit, who had was trying to pick his jaw off the ground as he gave Yuuri a thumbs up. “Okay.” He said quietly.

“Awesome! I’ve got a sweet place, you’ll love it…” he said as they began walking out the house, with Jason putting his hand on Yuuri’s waist to lead him, but as they walked it moved lower and lower.

Once they arrived back at Jason’s apartment, they didn’t actually do much talking.

The next morning, Yuuri walked home from Jason’s apartment, having lost his virginity, but apparently having gained a boyfriend, for the first time ever.

Yuuri and Jason hung out a lot together after that night, going on dates to the movies, to restaurants, to just about any nice enough place that they could afford. They would talk all the time, both in person and over text. And of course, the sex was very good, even if it resulted in Yuuri being extra sore for his skate practices the following morning. Yuuri was happier than he had ever been before, Jason was someone who actually enjoyed being around Yuuri, talking to Yuuri, and just being with Yuuri.

That’s how it was for the first 3 weeks, at least. Eventually that came to an end. They stopped going on dates because Yuuri was going into competition season and didn’t have any free time. This clearly bothered Jason, as he wasn’t talking to Yuuri nearly as much as he used to. One night, before Yuuri had to leave for a competition, Yuuri went over to Jason’s house. The two had sex, but right after, Jason sat him down on the couch and broke Yuuri’s heart with a just a few words, “I don’t think this is working out.”

“What?” Yuuri asked, eyes going wide.

“It’s just, you’ve spent so much time at the rink, I haven’t even been able to see you at all.” He replied.

Yuuri wiped some tears away from his eyes before replying, “But... but you knew I’d be practicing. And… its only for the season, once it’s over then…” Yuuri desperately tried to stop crying and embarrassing himself, but the tears kept flowing.

“Listen Yuuri, we were only together a few months, and it’s clear that you care more about skating then me. Its best for both of us if we split.”

Yuuri sobbed all the way back to his own apartment, where he spent the rest of his night crying into Phichit’s shoulder. He came in last at the skate competition.

After that, Yuuri didn’t date too much, but it wasn’t for a lack of trying. Yuuri wasn’t very good at online dating (in fact, he wasn’t never good at any social media, something that probably hurt his chances in the dating scene), so he mostly relied on meeting people at parties. Most of the guys he met would take him home for the night, but then pretend he didn’t exist just a few days later. Yuuri still remembers how devastated he was when he saw one of his previous lovers making out with some hockey player just a few days after he promised to go out on a few dates with Yuuri. Eventually Yuuri just stopped trying, his only action being the times he would get blackout drunk and end up in some guy’s bed the next morning with hickeys covering his neck and everything below the waist hurting like hell. Eventually, Yuuri just started thinking himself to be unlovable. On some of his worst nights, he would cry alone in his bed imagining a future where he never amounts to anything in skating, growing old in some dead-end desk job, and eventually dying alone, having no one in his life who actually loved him. He knew this wasn’t true, that he did have people like his family, Yuuko, Takeshi and Phichit who loved him, but his mind just wouldn’t stop insisting that it would happen.

This all manifested in his worst performance yet when he finally went on to the Grand Prix Final. He was already extremely nervous, as he would be skating on the same ice as Victor for the first time, but once he got the call about Vicchan, he spiralled, letting his anxiety get to him, binge eating, not sleeping, culminating in a crushing defeat and night of black out drunkenness (Yuuri could only imagine how he had embarrassed himself).

Yuuri went back to Detroit in the biggest depression of his life. His poor performance at Japanese Nationals did not help his mood at all. All of a sudden, all his negative thoughts about how he was a terrible skater who would never amount to anything seemed to be coming true. He ate more, stopped skating, and didn’t go out with any of his friends. He spent two months only going between his apartment and his classes. The only thing to bring him out of his depression was when he decided to learn Victor’s routine for that year, and he got his love for skating back. At least there’s one thing he didn’t lose.

Not knowing what to do next, he decided to head back home to Japan. He was happy to see them, of course, but for the first few days he was constantly anxious that they secretly resented him for never visiting since he moved to the states. But soon enough, that fear was replaced with another, far greater one.

Because, for some reason, the five-time world champion figure skater, Yuuri’s inspiration, idol, and celebrity crush, Victor Nikiforov, wanted to be Yuuri’s coach.

Yuuri’s mind was going a mile a minute with different questions, anxieties and insecurities. W _hy was Victor here? Does Victor know I have a huge crush on him? Does Victor think I’m a bad skater? How do I hide my crush from him? How do I hide my failures in skating from him? Does he think I’m pretty?_ Apparently, Yuuri’s solution was to try and avoid Victor whenever possible, terrified he might reveal something embarrassing about himself.

But, because Victor was now Yuuri’s coach, they did have to spend some time together. Victor was hard on Yuuri, working Yuuri until he could barely stand by the end of the day. It was tough, but Yuuri figured that if the greatest figure skater of all time was telling him to do it, it was probably a good idea. His advice already seemed to work, as Yuuri noticed some small improvements in his skating as time went on, but the real improvement came with his self-confidence.

When Yuri Plisetsky showed up and demanded that Victor come back to Russia, it was even scarier than the idea of Victor discovery his secret stash of posters. Yuuri had to do whatever he could to keep Victor here in Japan. So, he worked hard to master ‘Eros,’ figuring out how become more comfortable with his sexuality. When he won the ‘Hot Springs On Ice’ event, he couldn’t be happier. Victor was going to be coaching _him_. He knew it was selfish of him to keep Victor to himself, but he didn’t care. Having Victor coach him, and just having Victor spend time with him was making him happier than he had ever felt. He finally felt like he could skate at a level to compete with all the other top skaters.

Another result of them spending more and more time together was that Yuuri was growing past some of his intimacy issues. Victor was a very ‘touchy’ person, and while it made Yuuri nervous at first, he gradually became more and more comfortable around him. Long gone were the early days of running in fear whenever Victor lightly touched his hand. Now, Victor was often holding on to him whenever he could, as though he was scared Yuuri might disappear.

When they kissed at the end of Yuuri’s free skate at the Cup of China, at first Yuuri couldn’t believe it. He thought that this was just another example of him being very physical, that he must go and kiss all his other friends on the lips. But as he walked by all the other skaters who were giving him suggestive looks, Phichit even gave him a fist bump, he figured something else might be going on.

As they rode the elevator back up their hotel rooms, Victor and Yuuri were silent, with Yuuri spending the entire time trying to decipher what to do about this. _Should I ask him what the kiss meant? Should I just ignore it?_ Yuuri kept looking at Victor, who simply looked back at him with a small smile. It wasn’t like the million-dollar smile Yuuri had seen on TV a thousand times. No, this one was much warmer and intimate. It was priceless.

Soon enough, the elevator arrived at their floor and they both slowly walked to their rooms. Yuuri’s was first, and as he opened his door, Victor suddenly pulled him into a hug that lasted about 10 seconds. “Well done, Yuuri.” He whispered in his ear.

And just like that, Victor walked along to the next room over and opened the door. He was about to walk in when Yuuri, struck with a sudden bout of courage, ran over to him, jumped into him and passionately kissed him. Victor got over his shock quickly and held onto Yuuri’s legs, holding him while he kissed Yuuri back. They did not break apart as Victor carried him into his room. They did not speak as they began removing each other’s clothes, pausing to kiss whenever they could. That night was better than Yuuri could have ever imagined.

Later, after both of them were too exhausted to do anything else, they both got into the same bed to go to sleep. As he lay there, Yuuri thought back on how he got to this moment, on how he used to be this anxious kid who didn’t have many friends, on how he used to be this depressed heartbroken college student. Those parts of him didn’t go away, but with Victor here with him, he felt like he finally had a reason to move past all his fears, he finally had someone who knew how he thought and worked to accommodate that. He thought about how Victor didn’t just kiss him because he though Yuuri would be an easy lay, he kissed him because of Yuuri’s skating.

Yuuri couldn’t believe that he had once thought he would die alone. If he had actually listened to all those thoughts about how he wasn’t actually a good skater, or on how he was unlovable, he never would have been able to skate as he did today, and he wouldn’t be here in bed with the man he has idolized since he was a kid.

Yuuri looked over at the living legend sleeping next to him, currently drooling on his pillow. Yuuri rolled over and wrapped his arms around Victor’s torso, holding onto him like he would disappear the next day. As he finally drifted off to sleep, he smiled. He had never been so glad to wrong in his life.


End file.
